To Cry, or Not To Cry

The other day, I was driving to one of my favorite breakfast spots to meet up with a new friend. On my way, I turned on Ben Rector's latest Live album in the car to listen to. (PLEASE tell me you know who Ben Rector is??? Listen to his music and take a peek at my soul...)

As I was driving on the highway in what seemed to be minimal morning traffic, one of my favorite songs came on: Note to Self.

The song is filled with thoughts we've all had, but put to music in a "note to self." In it, Ben sings lines like,

"Note to self - call your mother back. And talk for too long...it's probably half of what she'd like. She's the only mother that you have."

But the line that made my throat tighten, my heart beat faster, and my eyes to heat up and water, was this –

"Note to self - Get some exercise. It feels bad and you have to try. But as far as I can tell that's how life goes."

I know what you're thinking..."you cried over a line about EXERCISE??"

Well, yes...kinda...but not really.

It's everything that comes AFTER the mention of exercise.

"It feels bad and you have to try...but as far as I can tell that's how life goes."

In the moment, I had no idea why that line struck me so hard and brought me to TEARS.

Side note: I don't cry. Like ever. Maybe once a year. I have cried more since having kids...they do that to you. Both because my heart wells up with love and affection for them, and you get hit in the groin semi-often...just comes with the territory.

After reflecting on that tear-jerking moment, I realized the reason I was overwhelmed with emotion...

Life. Is. Hard.

As my Dad would say, "No s#*t, Sherlock." (Don't shoot the messenger...I never said that, but he did. A lot. I guess he was really into Sherlock Holmes?)

In all seriousness, life HAS been hard. The last 2-3 years have been the hardest years of my life.

Let's recap:

2016 - TRANSITION

I take a job I wasn't really sure about...and end up not loving it.
Three months later we decide to move to Portland!
My employer is not so thrilled...and let me go the day after I told them (which, makes sense I guess...I just expected more from a church).
My wife also has a semi-falling-out with a business partner.
We move to PDX!

2017 - THE YEAR FROM HELL

January, at 36 weeks pregnant, our baby dies in the womb. No explanation.
Two months later, my potential job prospect looks slim due to layoffs.
Two months later, I get a job!
Three months later...I lose the job.
My wife's health takes a HUGE downturn...worst I've ever seen her.
One month later, I get another job!

2018 - REDEMPTION

Things are quiet, but not what we expected.
I start looking for other jobs...
June, we have another baby!
I transition into a new role I thought I'd be happy with...I wasn't.
September, we might be moving back to Texas! (I'm excited, she's not.)
December, jk lol...we're not moving back to Texas...

2019 - WTH ARE WE DOING

January, wife's health takes another major downturn. Thankfully, she recovers quickly.
March, I resign from my job and we decide to move out of our condo we can no longer afford...due to the whole "no job" thing.
I completely switch career tracks
We move into a 29ft. travel trailer to "get our bearings and figure out what we're doing with our lives..."

And that's basically where we sit. Still pursuing other career paths, living quite tiny with two kids on the outskirts of the Portland metro area.

Yeah, I think I'm allowed to cry.

We are extremely hopeful and are getting clearer and clearer about the vision for our family and our future.

But what about the present? What do we do in the messy early stages?

I feel a bit like a toddler. Like I'm learning to walk and talk again. I point at things and make single-syllable sounds like, "wuh" for water, or, "duh" for dog. (My 1-year-old does that...it's the cutest)

BUT...as a friend of mine often says: Find joy in the journey.

We all too often get caught up in the pace of life that we forget that it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. So why not find joy in the here and now, the messes of life?

I've also heard someone say,