An Out of Body Experience
Sometimes I feel like I'm outside my body watching my life happen.
It's like my body is going through life, but I'm outside of it, controlling it with my thoughts and actions. But I hardly feel like I'm participating. Like it's some form of virtual reality.
Maybe it's just my Enneagram Type 5-ness, but I've been feeling this way more and more. I tend to live life inside my head. My therapist says I'm simply wired this way. I experience life in a more cerebral manner than most of my human counterparts. I asked him if I could change that. He said no. Bummer.
I've been in a season of searching this year. Searching to figure out:
Who the heck am I?
What am I here for?
What am I supposed to do with my life?
I thought being married, being a parent, and being 30 would carve out a divine plan that I'd glide into and bask in ultimate fulfillment.
Unfortunately, that hasn't happened. Quite the opposite, actually. I've felt more lost, more confused, and more doubtful than ever before.
But I still have hope. And if hope is all I possess, it's enough.
And that's why I started seeing a therapist. To help me sort my cerebral experiences and somehow make sense of it all. I have hope that there's more to life than this valley I've been walking in.
My natural tendency is to live life in my head, void of most emotion. But that seems like a pretty vapid experience. And it is. I would know.
And the truth is, I have lots of emotions. Really powerful ones! I just tend to squash them in favor of a more "logical" experience.
Fullness of life is attainable, but it's not without it's suffering. That's how you experience a full life. Life has valleys and it has mountaintops. It has victories and it has losses. It has healing and it has pain. And to experience the fullness of life means to embrace all those pieces.
I am actively working on being more present in my body, mind, and spirit. It is a process, but it's worth it.
What are you processing in life right now? Leave a comment below.
**If you're familiar with the Enneagram and you like music, please do yourself a favor and go check out the Enneagram songs from Sleeping at Last. You won't regret it.